Christ's Example of Friendship: Part 1

Everyone is walking on the edge of life

Like a ghost of a shadow, barely alive

Even time’s in a rush

But it’s going nowhere

Everyone’s connected but no one is connecting

The human element has long been missing

Tell me, have you seen it?

Have you seen it?

Or are we alone?

'Cause I need something to believe in

Tell me, are we alone?

Where is the life? Where is the feeling?

Is anybody out there?

Is anyone listening?

Is anyone left in this whole world?

Or are we alone?

Alone…

I feel that Armin Van Buuren brings up a very good point in his song ‘Alone’ where the above lyrics came from. The music video to ‘Alone’ depicts every individual on technological devices, unaware of or distanced mentally from others around them. This mental distance despite physical proximity to people is a great source of loneliness.

There is a difference between spending time to think, ponder, meditate or otherwise spend quiet moments in solitary reflection versus feeling stuck in a state of loneliness. Every morning I get up and first thing I do is turn to the scriptures. I relish those moments by myself with time to contemplate and prepare spiritually for the day.

However, the words to ‘Alone’ occasionally ring true as I leave my study desk and take care of my children. I have always enjoyed being around young people and enjoy the responsibility I now have in my life to be the primary caretaker of my home and little ones.

But I realize that raising children and having friends can be two different things. Even if I am around people – my children – all day, there are many times I feel alone. For me it’s not just the idea of a human element, but also the idea of a peer element. My children are young and needy. My relationship with them is first a foremost caretaker/needs giver/fight-breaker-up-er/crying shoulder/listener.

In fact, the list of what I do for my children is never ending, but what does have its limits is what my children can do for me. I don’t feel lonely because I’m not around people but because I feel disconnected in some ways from someone who understands my needs and fills them.

I appreciate Thomas Fuller’s sentiments on this wise: “No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy”.

There have been moments of unhappiness in my life and, thinking of this quote, I have wondered, “do I not have any friends? Am I alone? The truth of the matter is that I do have friends or even acquaintances that I enjoy being around and comfortable with but I am scared to let them know that I am struggling and have needs not being filled.

One of the biggest reasons for my fear is my uncomfortableness with awkward silences. Whether meeting people for the first time and not knowing what to say or trying to bare my soul to someone I’m not sure feels ready to listen, I struggle doing anything that could present one of those silent moments of awkward eternities. For years, I felt this was a battle I faced on my own, yet turns out that it is quite common to have social anxiety that often presents itself in this very fear I feel.

The following is from an article titled ‘ANXIETY AND UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCES:ANXIOUS IN A QUIET ZONE’, that was posted in the Healthy Place blog:

[Social anxiety disorder creates an unquiet mind. The hallmark of social anxiety is an often intense fear of being judged… Wouldn't it make sense that to someone with social anxiety, silence would be golden, offering peace and an excuse to avoid having to talk? Ironically, not always.

With social anxiety, silence is not golden; it is the color of vomit. Silence is uncomfortable and awkward, and it makes us all the more anxious in a quiet zone.]

A close friend of mine from my high school years once pointed out that, “The awkwardness in relationships is when you don’t know how the other person feels (Cuz you know how you feel)."

The reality of this statement struck me recently as I was studying for this talk. A leading confidence coach, Dr. Aziz, wrote an article on social interaction titled ‘How Avoiding Awkwardness Kills Your Confidence’. In it, he states the following:

[When we avoid something, we never never stop to face it to see what really happens. This leaves us with all of our fearful assumptions.

Each time [we] avoid the awkwardness, these fearful assumptions strengthen in our beliefs. Eventually, even the thought of someone feeling awkward around us can make our heart start beating faster…

As a result, you don’t take the risks necessary to get what you most want in life. If you’re unwilling to experience awkwardness, then you’ll be unwilling to take a shot.]

And in His own way, Christ taught this same concept: Matthew 10:39 – He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

Sometimes avoiding or even focusing on what I don’t want, keeps me from what I really do.

I want to be happy and part of that happiness will come from my efforts in continuing to make real, meaningful friendships throughout my life. That being said, I can’t cheat my way to happiness. In trying to avoid awkward moments with others, I may very well be pushing potential friends away.

Before I looked at my awkward moments as something to run away from and avoid because I was doing something wrong and couldn’t fix it. Now, however, I’m learning to look at it as a necessary challenge in the process of making friends.